Finn

I wasn’t kidding when I’d said I wanted to ask her to marry me. Usually, those kinds of thoughts of her that usually terrified me could never surface for more than a second or two. This time with her, I couldn’t hold it in. 

She’d laughed and distracted my distraction with her mouth and hands, then patted my ass and sent me off, saying she had to get the rooms ready for her guests.

And I sat in my car staring at her house, having no idea what to do. It wasn’t the first time feeling this way. I’d lain holding her drunken, huddled form in my basement bed in the dark for hours the night long ago with this same yawning precipice of a massive shift of my life rushing toward me.

Back then, I knew I would lose her. I knew what would happen. Now it felt worse, and I wasn’t sure why. I guess maybe because I saw doubt in her eyes at what I’d felt for her. And I couldn’t filter anything I’d said, so it didn’t come out right. But I wasn’t sure how I’d messed up. Had I messed up again? She’d been smiling when I left.

My eyes landed on the clearing and I remembered the day of the housewarming and talking to Mari’s brothers-in-law. At one point, I’d turned my head from watching Nel to find Graham watching me speculatively.

When I raised my eyebrow in question, he leaned forward, pulled his phone out, and handed it to me. “Your phone number, Finn.” I entered it into his phone and called it so I’d have his number. 

He’d looked at me knowingly, as he’d tucked it back in his pocket. “I see it coming,” he said, “Text me when it feels like you got hit by a freight train.” 

“What?” I asked, confused.

He’d nodded, as if I’d asked a different question, “They’ll do that to you, fair warning.” 

I huffed, “What you’re talking about?” 

He’d only nodded again, and I had thought it strange at the time, then had forgotten about it—until now. 

Dialing the number, Graham answered, “Well, if it isn’t the famous Finneus Barron. I heard you moved to town.”

“Hey,” I replied, not knowing what else to say.

“What’s going on?”

I stayed quiet.  

Long pause. Then, “Ahh…so it’s happened. She knocked you sideways.” 

When I still said nothing, “Does she know?” he asked. 

“I told her I felt sick because I realized I wanted to ask her to marry me. She laughed and said to let’s see about dating first.” 

And I felt myself go cold hearing myself. Had I really fucking said that out loud to her? Like that? That I was going to vomit at the idea of wanting to marry her. Holy fuck, how was she even letting me still even talk to her? 

“Y’all haven’t been on a date yet?” Graham asked.

“I mean, no, I guess not. Not outside the show.”

“Hmm…” and whatever that meant, it didn’t sound good. “Are you heading home now?”

“Yes.”

“Hold on.” After some rustling and tapping on a computer, he came back on, “Text me your address. I can be over around five. I’ll see about bringing Zak in; you’ll need his feedback.” And he hung up on me.

On autopilot, I texted him my address, went home and sat on my front porch, beer in hand, when a car pulled up. They opened their doors, got out, and both paused, looking at me with pitying expressions. Moving in sync, they each pulled out a six-pack from the car, then shifted like forwards toward me sitting in the flanking chairs on the patio. 

Zak pulled two bottles out and twisted the caps off, extending one to me. 

“So,” Graham said, opening his own beer, “how bad did you mess up?”

I puffed out a breath, “I’ve messed up since the beginning.” And no truer words had ever been said.

“Okay, give us the recap.” Zak said, “I watched the show. I had to. Cori raged. How much was true, and where are you now?”

They sat and listened, not saying a word as I gave them an overview. When I fell silent. Zak took a sip of his beer, then said, “So she’s gotten used to your impulsiveness and your selfishness.”

“And carelessness and flightiness,” Graham chimed in. “Then in your existential crisis of self-awareness, you half-assed proposed to her, and it rolled right off of her.”

I stared at him in awe at how they so succinctly summarized what had happened in tandem. Maybe they should be in sports broadcasting.

God, I was such a fuck-up. Everything. Everything I’d aimed for, I’d gotten. It was only ever with her I was uncertain, that I continually failed, and couldn’t tell up from down. How did this happen?  

Zak leaned back. The casual posture should’ve minimized his military background, but it didn’t as he settled his beer on his stomach and narrowed his eyes at me. “You’re in a bit of a pickle, my man. On one hand, she’s obviously receptive to you, right? But it seems very compartmentalized. She’s had to separate who and what you are to her. The sisters are masters at doing that. It was to my advantage that I barely had time to mess things up with Cori and it was to Graham’s advantage that he and Sunny were kids when they first met.” 

“But you’ve played cat and mouse with her for five plus years,” Graham added, “Then you dog-in-the-mangered her and when she made her move to break from that, you outright moved here as a countermove. Clueless.” he shook his head, “Not even to mention the drama of how you played with her on the show when y’all first met. Then all the women you supposedly have… everywhere. Sunny told me Mari saw a stream of texts of your women pop up on your phone through the night. That’s weird,” he paused, cocking his head exaggeratingly, “when would she be close enough to you to see a stream of texts through the night?” He chuffed, and finished with, “Long shot, she’ll ever really trust you.”

With each word out of their mouths, it wasn’t a rock that had grown in my chest. It was buckshots that had torn through it. Hard scattered pellets shredding me. It was all true. I swallowed and stared blankly toward the street. 

“The good news is that she must seriously like you to put up with all of that.” Graham said, “I’ve known her since she was ten. She walked away from those serious last two, that I know of, without a backward glance.”

“Right,” I said.

“So here are your options.” Zak said. I swung my eyes to him. “From experience. You’re going to have to strategize. Bide your time.” 

“It starts with her mom and her sisters.” Graham chimed in. “Also, from experience, Cori is lost to you. She will take years to turn around.” 

Zak nodded, confirming, “Or,” he said with a hard glint in his eyes, “you can just walk away. It’s not too late. There’s no in between. Not with those sisters. Not for her and you. I’m surprised she’s let you tread that line for so long.” He tilted his head and squinted an eye at me. “Since we’re being honest here, Finn. Not that you asked for my opinion—but Graham and I here, focused on ours with single-minded resolve. There was no other option for us. There still isn’t and there won’t ever be. That you came and went already with her for years, already shows your hand. You don’t seem to be one to like being tied down. Mari is all things good, delicate and kind. I think you should walk.”

Graham nodded. “It’s the easiest and kindest thing for you to do. Your first instincts were probably right. She’s vulnerable. You should let her go. Go back to living your amazing life. The actors. The stars. Don’t worry about Mari, she’ll find someone deserving of her and make them a fantastic partner, and who knows, maybe you can be friends down the road…”

They looked at me expectantly. Waiting.